letting go

i don't want to.  i didn't want to.  i thought i never would.  all of them profound. 

i am a true believer in the cliche' "things happen for a reason."  truly i believe it.  and, not to forget, "what goes around, comes around."  you may never know the reason of why something happened or why you made a certain decision.  and, you may not ever have the chance to see "what comes around" finally.  but these two statments are permanently stamped into my brain but reside in my heart for protection. 

my oldest son is almost 25.  he's married to a beautiful young lady and they have a preious little girl.  my first grandbaby.  i thought i would NEVER let go; no matter what.  he's MY son.  i tried so hard to keep the connection between us.  in every way possible i tried my best to let him know that no matter what, i love him.  it hurt.  it consumed me totally.  and right in front of me are my wonderful understanding husband and our precious little boy.  and i continued to torture myself while my family suffered.  they deserved better.  they deserved the best from me.  but, i couldn't see the forest for the trees.  but.  finally.  i let go.  with no explanation to anyone.  i turned back to my husband and son.  the life that was passing me by while i did everything i could to keep a part of my past alive.  to me it was worth it; the holding on.  but it took too much from me.  it took what i needed to give my husband and son who never wavered from what i chose to do.  mike and max were with me every step of the way.  i am blessed.  i finally realized.  THEY are my life.  and i have returned to the living. 

i will always carry a broken, bleeding, trying to mend, heart. 

i will always remember.