YES, I AM!
Although I spent Wednesday in a kind of funk, tired, achy, hurting from several different things I was dealing with I am always aware that I AM BLESSED! I believe we can hurt and feel blessed at the same time. Kind of like crying happy tears.
On Tuesday I had a dentist appointment - no biggie - but had to get a numbing shot to have some enamel work done. This was followed by an appointment with my dermatologist. When you drive up into the parking lot you get the feeling you are driving into a "resort" because of the way the building and surrounding area looks. And, it's calm and relaxing as you walk in. But, that was not what was in store for me. I had been experiencing facial peeling that was so bothersome! I had to get this taken care of. As I said, little did I realize what the doctor had in mind. It was a full on body search!!! Oh My! By the time it was over I had several biopsies and a skin tag removed from right under my left eye. Try to be still the next time someone comes at your eye with a pair of scissors... You don't dare move and "heaven take me now if I move!" As I looked at my doctor and addressed the skin that seemed to peel continuously from my face (try putting on makeup while your skin peels) she said, "Good! We want your skin to peel. You will never have wrinkles. I will call you next week about the biopsies..." as she left the room.
I left the building in a daze. Was I happy being 52 years old and understanding my face will never wrinkle? Ok. I AM BLESSED! I was glad the skin tag was removed, but it really hurt! I didn't have to have stitches. I AM BLESSED! And, what about those biopsies? Well, I was "walking" out of the building without having to "pay for services rendered." That was A BLESSING! I was walking and had spent no money. Doctors are expensive and we have a very high deductible. By Wednesday I was tired and sore. I could barely keep my eyes open. But, I AM BLESSED because I am a "stay at home mom."
As I sat in my favorite chair, doing nothing, I considered my options. I AM BLESSED because after assessing my physical "condition" at that moment I called my husband and asked if it would be possible for him to leave work early so he could go pick up our son from school. Honestly, I could have done it myself like I do every Monday through Friday. However, for whatever reason I could hardly keep my eyes open. I suppose I had "internalized the stress" from my doctor appointments. I have learned over the years that my body will take over if I don't. That means I sleep. My body and mind get together and decide I need to sleep to get me through my "stress" or I will be in no shape to do anyone any good; least of all my family. When I made the call to my husband I explained I felt it was best that I didn't drive. I didn't want to take a chance getting behind the wheel of my car to pick up my child from school and putting us and someone else at risk if I didn't trust myself to be fully alert.
I AM BLESSED! There are many women who do not have the luxury of calling their husband, let alone anyone else, to go and do something for them at a moment's notice. Regardless of their physical impairment, no matter how big or small, they cannot make that kind of call. Are we rich? Monetarily, NO! We live in an old neighborhood, riddled with crime, in a small house, with our share of debt. However, WE ARE BLESSED that my husband has a job with a great boss who believes in FAMILY.
However, OUR BLESSINGS come from the fact that after 2 very long years of my husband having lost a job of over 33 years we put our FAITH IN GOD to take care of us because we didn't have any options other than just that. And, when you finally realize God is all you have, then God is all you need. As they say in the south, "proof is in the pudding." My husband and I, both come from a long line of worriers and I just couldn't worry anymore. I was tired, and I was angry. I was tired of being angry. So I looked at my husband and said, "I cannot worry about this any more because it will surely kill me."
The damage was already done. All of the stress in my life leading up to that moment had already taken it's toll on my body and I was paying for it BIG TIME.
My prayer: Dear Father, I cannot bare this another moment. I'm so mad and angry over the loss of my loyal husband's job of over 33 years. We have nothing to fall back on. No degree to get his foot in a door for any kind of job that will pay our bills. I cannot work due to my health. And we have a little boy who depends on us. All I can do is ask you to take these huge worrisome burdens and carry them for me. I ask for your divine intervention in this moment of our lives to help my husband find a job that will support us and that he will not have to worry any longer. Lord, he is pounding the pavement, mailing out resumes, and making phone calls day in and day out. I have never seen anyone work so hard to find a job. We are fortunate that my brother gave him a part time job paying minimum wage stocking groceries and I thank you for that. My husband is truly a humble soul. He is 58 years old and being bullied by a 20 something year old boss who berates him daily because he isn't stocking the shelves fast enough. I have never seen such humbleness and I am ashamed that I am not that kind of person. Father, my lesson is learned and I see now the truth behind the humble. I know that all things are done in your time and not ours. I pray for guidance, a softer heart, the removal of anger, and to remember that you come first. I am truly BLESSED to have such a husband who can humble himself to do whatever it takes so that his family is fed. Forgive me for my harshness and help me to understand that there is a reason for this time in our life. It is in your will that I pray these things. Amen.
I prayed that prayer about 2 years ago. I will never forget it. Within weeks my husband got a call for a job offer of a nature we never would have expected. My husband works with computers. He was in television. He is now maintaining the simulators our soldiers train on before they go to war. His first day he was told 2 managers had to fight over him to see which department would have him. His second day my husband was promoted. The third day the realization set in that our health insurance was in affect as of day 1. Every day he wakes up and takes our son to school on his way to work.
Every night we put our son to bed with A PRAYER THANKING GOD FOR OUR MANY BLESSINGS.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I am not afraid. I was. But, not now.
This week I began a Bible Study, a devotional. I believe that I have LONGED for one and really hadn't realized it. Over the past few months the internet has been flooded with everything "God" and any and all manner of posts regarding "If you love God..." LIKE!
I LIKE! I LIKE! I LIKE!
No - I WILL NOT FEAR!!! Because God is with me each and every step of the way. He always has been. My problem was not remembering it. I was too focused on LIFE and what was happening, or NOT. But I was DEVOTED to the here and now in such a way that I literally lived "unglued." Nothing was what it should be. What should be IS - THE GREAT I AM! And, I wasn't devoted to HIM. I was devoted to me, mine, ours, yours, theirs. Not HIM. I left God on the back-burner of my life as I was racing through it and I needed him so desperately. Oh, I attend Sunday School and Church and Wednesday night Prayer Meeting. Prayer time before we put our little one to bed each and every night. But where was my DEVOTION to GOD?
At the beginning of this year I found "Proverbs 31" and signed up for a "365 Word" that I thought would get me really motivated. My word - TRUST. I put my word into action. Well, my kind of action. The kind that when I read my bible and came across MY WORD it would get highlighted in yellow. It was a start, right? A start. But "Proverbs 31" kept my attention and soon I was seeing talk of bible studies online. Online is becoming more my style of late. It works! I don't have to get dressed (out of my pj's) and drive somewhere to wait for everyone to show up before we could start the class. That got old real quick. MORE STRESS!!!
I needed LESS STRESS and BAD! I'm glad I kept in touch.
I was truly excited about this Bible Study beginning. I looked forward to it. That made my heart glad just knowing that I was in that state of mind.
This first week I have followed through. Something I'm not good at. (We will see if I'm successful with the Blog Hop thing - hmmmm - I'm really hoping I can do that part.) But anyway, I went step by step, following all of the instructions as I began the bible study, book in hand, the scriptures to read; loved the idea of "verse mapping!" I became very detailed in each step. I was paying attention to what the scriptures were telling me...
"Let go, and let God!" I found this in "The Search for Serenity" and the 20 seconds of insane courage. TRUST! My "a-ha moment" came then. If I am to TRUST "The Great I Am" then how can I be AFRAID? As I read the scriptures for this week with the suggestion to read the ones surrounding them I found that they all came together in one big "TRUST" without fear because HE will hold me up and give me victory!
Friday, March 22, 2013
yes! lessons learned. many, over the years. differences are expected; received and returned.
my days and nights. the wee hours. and the ones filled with the endless homework of a 7 year old.
where are those fleeting moments; the ones that fly so quickly by. that is where they are.
i do not worry over lost sleep. or the dishes in the sink. because my eyes follow the details in a story.
hearing the voice of a little boy; so excited to share his day. yet sleeping on the way home.
mama can i take a nap before i do my homework - of course he can. why not - because.
a crowded kitchen table; the papers and pencils, books to be read. the laptop and many journals.
keeping track of anything. words thru cyber communication; funny, sad, gut-wrenching, truth.
dates and times - where and when. a calendar to jot in, another in my cell - connected to life's trip.
it doesn't matter when or how. just that it is. stop and listen. watch the motion in his words.
the constant hugs and brief kisses. little arms wrapped around me. coming back for more. and more.
reading out loud and skipping words. "ch" in the chorus of his world. don't forget the silent h.
my time is spent in time. real time today; everyday. but the promise is just for today. it's ok.
will this be enough for us to travel a bumpy road only to come back again. we begin again. repeat.
before it starts the week is done. my day was spent before i was ready. it doesn't matter why.
i am here and waiting. listening to the sounds of life. winding my way around the hours of a day.
clouds are painted on the ceiling. a sun in the corner and a rainbow on the wall. he hung the moon.
my pot of gold rides in a car seat. a daily game of "i'm first!" to buckle in. and he always wins.
we talk in our sleep. the cartoons of yesterday playing through the night. wanderings of a fever?
but the laundry isn't done. the dog keeps it company. just another happy being - why not.
it's another moment not being rushed. life is too short to bother if you know you have a clean shirt.
he still doesn't know how to tie his shoes. i kind of like it that way. because daddy cooks supper.
there's an understanding. always. somewhere in the middle we will figure it out. take your time.
i love you monkey butt. he heard me laughing in my sleep. look mama - yes, i see.