a boy on the brink

bittersweet.

he was beautiful when he was born.

at 11 he posed with a football as if to throw a great pass.

a hail mary always in a blue jean ball cap.

the first had a little dinosaur pinned on it and tiny red sunglasses.

his first pimple was awesome and right on the bridge of his nose!

standing in an airport he showed me the real kool-aid; red and flowing.

a true people watcher in his early teens.

his laughter is contagious with no inhibitions.

life was faster than he thought.

he is a patriot.

a son, a husband, a father.

so tall and warm.

in a hug, my ear pressed to his chest, i can feel his heart.

an expression of his soul is so apparent.

you don't have to look hard to know him.

i close my eyes and hear him call.

"mama."

forever in his heart.
he calls.

time passes

so many things to think about.

i have a beautiful friend living in tampa, fl.  i have loved her for so many years it seems almost incredible.  when i think of her i see her laughter.  its one of the best laughs i have ever heard and i will always treasure it.  she is so brave and strong.  if i could only hug her i would probably never let go. 


there is a man i love so dearly.  i have loved him more than he realizes.  maybe some day he will know.  he is beautiful, funny, kind, courageous, and so full of life.  to hear his voice again would be a blessing.  for him to believe i love him would be a miracle.

there is truly a beautiful woman that i know.  well, i know her just a little bit.  i pray that one day she will realize i love her.  so much has already happened in her young life.  but all these miles between us doesn't stop me from being proud of her.  and maybe some day she will share her daughter with me.

there is a girl i once knew so well.  last i knew she lived in ellijay.  her little boy is all grown up by now.  i wish i had her number so we could catch up.  i suppose that would be a very long conversation.  we spent our "wild days" together.  funny memories we could share.

i spent the day with a sweet friend.  i do believe and dare say she is the only person i know that never says an unkind word about anybody.  she makes an overwhelming chore become  but just a moment in time.  before i knew it she had to go.  i can hardly wait to see her again.  she is such a rare jewel.  i always make sure that when she leaves my house she has a new "pocketbook."

a neighbor died the other day.  we saw it coming.  i called him "baby chick" because his graying hair still blond always seemed to be a wisp that i just had to touch.  before i would leave from each visit i would pat him on the head with a kiss. " i love you baby chick" as he would grab for my hand. and in my ear i hear him say "i'm scared."  i told him "we all are."  now his wife in all her wisdom is alone.  i never seem to have a girlfriend my age.  she is in her 70s.  through all of our tears we always find laughter.  good bye baby chick.

there's this man i know.  and he knows me.  he saved my life and i am forever grateful.  we have known each other for many years now.  as time passes i see him less and less.  i often wonder what i will do when he leaves this earth.  i don't like thinking about it.  one day he told me "you are the bravest woman i have ever met."  the look on his face with those precious words will always be etched in my heart.  he gave me courage and i can never repay him.

i've been invited to a baby shower.  my little friend is having her third baby; another boy.  we actually had our babies in the same year.  i was 45 and she is still in her 20s.  like i said - i never seem to have a friend my age.  but these days we rarely see each other.  regardless, our friendship is wonderful.  from the moment we met we both knew we would be friends for life.  we still have "moms day out" leaving our boys with their daddies.  our favorite hangout is ihop, a stack of pancakes, and coffee.  her husband hates me - lol!  we have a mutual understanding about each other so, no worries.  "pass and re-pass" as my grandma used to say.

these people that i know, that i miss, and i love, are woven into my life.  the memories are threaded through my heart.  the tears and laughter are the perfect watercolor that begins on a blank page.  one never knows how it will turn out.  but it is created by the artist in all of us.  we have a purpose for that chance meeting.  whether we continue the journey together or a choice is made to take another path.  in the grand scheme of things we do not dictate, as some would want to do, who is right or wrong.  it is only begun by a simple need to be loved.

it seems such a long time since i've been here last.  time truly passes quickly.  i have so much to share with so many.  i wish they knew that i love them and i pray for them.  i hope that each passing day brings joy and laughter.

photo by a.s.

looking at God

in his little face i see everything.  this little boy.  his eyes with long lashes.  he looks down.  and i say "look at me."  and he does.  but only for a moment.  i fuss at him.  "look at me."  again.  and again.  finally, he looks long enough to pay attention.

anyone who knows me knows i am not "kid friendly."  sad but true.  my patience is extremely thin.  i don't volunteer for the kids at church.  i don't do birthday parties very well.  i stand back and watch.  all those mothers who jump in and get all dirty and sticky.  ick.  what a reflection i am painting for all the world.

don't get me wrong though.  my kid.  i love.  dirty, sticky, stinky, icky, yucky, rotten.  he's mine and i love him.  but its the other little boy.  ick.  i thought.  ick.  why doesn't his mother clean him up?  he's always dirty, sticky, stinky, icky, yucky, rotten.  eeewwwwwww.  i can't do this.

i can't do this.  i. can. not. do. this.  no.  but i do.  ick.  this little boy with the eye lashes.  his shirt is on backwards.  again.  i say nothing.  he lives differently.  we have rules.  he has his own.  and it drives me nuts.  but i do this.  i do this.  "me too" he says.  "me too."  and he does.

this little boy has a buddy.  a best buddy.  my little boy.  and i have no choice.  "can i go over to his house?"  ooohh nnoooo!  please don't ask me to do this!  "can i go over to his house mama?"  ick.  i have an instant headache.  "go on."  my little boy runs and bangs on the door.  i think "well at least i don't have to worry about cleaning up a mess."  my house is silent.  the guilt washes over me.  i'm not so kid friendly.  no.  i'm not.

it started with wednesday night church.  "can he go mama?"  i realize the age difference.  i realize they have to be together or they will both be upset.  i realize the disabilities others will have to deal with and accept.  i realize i will have to explain why.  "he's hard to understand."  "he's younger than my son but he'll cry if he has to go to another class for his age."  "they have to be together."  "things are different with his family." 

now its sunday school and church.  "we'll see."  we find an extra booster seat by the car.  i sigh.  loudly.  i don't want to do this.  "mama can he come too?"  sigh. again.  how can i explain otherwise.  how can i say no.  i can't explain my "ick" feelings.  he's a little boy.  "me too?"

i left the house today.  to get away from boys.  to go to a girl store.  to look at girl things.  no boy stuff.  the cable guy was coming anyway.  that's boy stuff.  i remember my husband grunted as i left.  not a groan.  but a definite grunt.  i did not feel the least bit guilty.  i was tired of being the meanie.  i'm the mean mama.  you have to mind me!

i left a coupon at home.  it was worth driving back to the house for.  the clerk was more than glad to hold my things while i left to go get my coupon.  "if you give me $20 i'll take the boys with me and stop at mcdonald's."  did i just say that?  were those my words?  i watch my husband light up like a christmas tree waving a 20 at me.  "me too?" the little boy asked.  "go ask your mama."  did i really, i mean really, did i say that? 

load 'em up and move 'em out.  we go back to the store.  we all hold hands crossing the parking lot.  "now you boys behave.  don't touch anything.  no running.  or no mcdonald's."  such good little boys in a girl store.  i find the cure all for my ick.  each little boy gets a blueberry smelling antibacterial hand gel with a neat holder to go on their belt loop.  "me too?"  he asks.  "you too."  i say.

both boys are noise sensitive and mcdonald's was a zoo!  blood curdling screams could be heard for 2 blocks with no end in sight.  it was a birthday party in full swing.  ick.  ick.  ick!!!  but 2 chicken nugget happy meals later and eleventy three (yes, i said eleventy three) trips thru the tunnels and down the slides you would never have known their ears hurt.  and it was soooooooo hot.  and our table was right in the sun.

with seatbelts buckled and headed for home we discovered a great air conditioner.  all four windows all the way down.  with blood curdling screams all my ick flew out the window as  two little boys with full bellies laugh into the wind.

as we ride down the hill and both hands on the wheel i realize i'm looking at God.