Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Answer continued... that Mike's body created it's own ability to divert the needed blood flow to circulate around the blockage and take up the slack for the now gone and useless artery.  At this point I have to say last night was the worst for both of us.  He could not articulate anything he thought or wanted to say to me.  He couldn't follow the commands for the "speech" part of testing his abilities every few hours.  Moving arms and legs were a breeze - touching his nose and the doctor's finger was no big deal for Mike to handle.  It was the talking beyond yes and no that was his biggest challenge.  My heart broke every time he tried, ending with shaking his head and in tears.  We only heard "It won't" or "I can't" through each testing.  I witnessed a man who has always known his way around a computer let a piece of paper with "passwords" come between him and success.  The only man on earth who was able to tame this wild girl I call myself was totally lost in a world of wanting to say something expected for hope of recovery.  And he couldn't - there was nothing I could do for my husband but wait for him.  As the night grew longer Mike grew worse.  I had said something that actually drew a spontaneous laugh out of my husband during that harshness.  As happy as I was to hear him laugh out loud I realized that the right side of his face was no longer responding.  And we still had not heard back from the Specialist.  Today was a very long day, but somehow Mike was improving with each tick of the clock.  I think every Therapist in the hospital showed up in our room!  But, it paid off with both sides of his smile.  His face was back to normal and he was able to say what he remembered more readily, but with one exception...  Everybody was born in 2000 something!!!  LOL!!!  We were instantly all young again!  We could work with that if only the Specialist would show up with the bottom line prognosis.  And that took all day long.  The man had "business hours" it seemed.  We were bottom of the list and he was wrapping up "his" day with "us" and our unanswered questions that had been burning through the night and into today.  The Specialist put Mike through the paces again.  Yes - there was still some lasting signs of his stroke, but no more paralysis of his face.  Yes - over time he will recover with a more rapid response time.  Yes - the blockage was permanent, but no operation would be forthcoming.  Yes - Mike would be on medication to help his blood circulate easier.  No - there should not be any lasting effects from this stroke after a period of time relative to Mike on his own volition.  


The following video is dedicated to my husband, Mike Burnett...

all my love, Kay.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Being Blessed by Letting Go

Trusting My Heart...

Or is it "protecting my heart?"  

How many times has your heart been broken by someone you've loved or cared about?  I can't count the times I have trusted the wrong person and allowed my heart to be shattered into a million pieces. When that happens I think we become utterly speechless.  We disappear into ourselves and replay what happened over and over again; trying to find where things went wrong.  We beat ourselves up thinking "how could I be so blind" not to have noticed I was being used and no one was giving me a second thought.  Often times we even go so far as to make excuses for the person who has wronged us.  But, over time, and with an aching heart we learn to let go.  It is never an easy thing to do.

Through the years I have basically trusted just about everyone in my life.  I've allowed myself to be wronged over and over again; giving second, third, even more chances for those people to change and not hurt me.  I would never give up.  I never would let go.  It didn't matter how bad my heart was hurting.  These were my "friends" and I allowed them to take advantage of me; driving me to the point of developing panic attacks so severe I was sure I was having heart attacks.  I finally realized that if I wanted to be happy I was the one who would have to do the changing.

It has taken some time to make some very necessary changes.  It was so hard to turn away from those who had hurt me so often.  I suppose my biggest fear was that I would be alone if I made the much needed changes. However, if I wanted to be truly happy I was the only one who could control it and make it happen.  

At first it was so frustrating because I wanted changes to happen instantly.  Little did I know that I would have to take "baby steps" to become truly happy.  So, slowly, but surely, I began to make small changes in what I needed to do to let go.  Letting go is hard and scary.  Eventually, I realized those baby steps where allowing me to breathe easier.  I felt the stress slipping away.  Soon I was able to take bigger steps making the harder changes take place without feeling so guilty.

This morning when I made a phone call I finally realized that I was calling my best friend!  We have known each other for almost (or just about) 10 years and have always gotten along.  Whenever she answered I was always so glad to hear her voice, although this morning my voice sounded more like a frog and I had a severe ear ache. But, in my heart I felt compelled to call her anyway.  It didn't matter that my ear hurt and I'm sure she thought I had turned into a bull frog, but she was willing to share so many things that had been bothering us both lately.  We have both had to learn to let go. We both struggled tremendously; agonizing over all of the details and possibilities of things we were having to deal with. 

In all of my years I don't think I've ever met someone who accepted me, "warts and all," or was willing to listen to me without criticizing.  She has always been gracious and kind in every possible way.  The thing is I've always known this about her.  My friend always puts others first.  She sincerely prays for those in need.  She prays for those who aren't so nice and also the ones that have hurt her feelings to the point of tears and even goes so far to demean herself for all the "what ifs" she can think of.  Only to do her best to put any blame on herself first. What a Godly Woman!  And I know her personally! She never fails to show me the way no matter the circumstances. The funny part is (and I so love this about her) she'll say "Kay, can I ask you a question?"  LOL!!!  I smile every time she does that. She is so humble and I love her for it.  Regardless of the fact that I almost die laughing when she asks that question!  She wouldn't be who she is if she didn't ask.

I truly believe that God puts people in our lives when it's the right time; not our time, His time.  Of course I have to say He has really given me some hum-dingers in my time.  But, I know why.  It has taken me a very long time to learn this.  I'm so thankful that she was put in my life when I needed her the most.  My friend has helped me more times than she will ever know (or admit) and I couldn't be more grateful.  

Life is a gift we receive everyday.  Sometimes those gifts are so unexpected.  The unexpected ones I have to say are the best we could have wished for but didn't.  They always show up when they are needed, least expected, can help the healing of a broken heart, open your eyes to new and better possibilities, and even show you the way to the Best Friend you never saw coming.

About 10 years have passed knowing this wonderful lady and my brain finally registered who my true friends really are.  However, God threw in an unexpected friendship.

Thanks God!  My BFF (I so really didn't want to use text code) is a keeper and I am so blessed!  



Thursday, April 10, 2014

So many years have passed...

This is me now.

Who knew?

In a few weeks I will see one of the dearest friends I have ever had, but not seen in almost 30 years. My heart is full, near to bursting, with the anticipation of seeing her.  Over the years I have recalled time and again her awesome laughter followed up by her yelling my name as if she couldn't believe I had said or done something a bit off color.  But she laughed a big laugh regardless.  

I think, in life, we all have that someone we will always remember.  No matter what.  It's that someone who made you feel special and accepted you as you are and was never embarrassed to be seen with you.  To read this you would never know we really didn't spend a lot of time together.  

It was at work mostly.  So odd to look back and know I had only been to her house once.  She even had a best friend (it wasn't me) at the time, and yet I cannot remember her name, but i can see her face just as clear as my friend's.  Although I do remember the name of who her "bestie" married after I had moved away and left my friend behind stupidly following a man who had entered my life and I clung to for some reason if only to have my first born son.  I remember my friend "running off" to get married during the work week.  It was just like her; a no frills kinda girl.  Although she wore the most expensive kid leather shoes a mother could buy for her daughter.  And she wouldn't marry her fiance' until she could figure out how she wanted her name to be...   with or without the hyphen - LOL!  I can see her gorgeous engagement ring he had picked out just for her.  The stone first, of course.  I would have cared less what MY name would have been at that moment looking at that ring!  But, that was her style.  It was those kinds of things that mattered to her the most.  And how I envied her.  She had a man who adored her and waited for her to make up her mind.  I should have taken a clue to that one... but, then again, it was just that kind of step in life that puts me where I am now.  I, too, have a man who adores me.  sigh.

So, we are making plans.  Emailing back and forth trying to find the right accommodations for this, a momentous occasion.  It is for me, at least.  Over the years I have filled my shelves and walls with the cards she would make and never forget to send; framed and always where they would catch my eye.  Giving me the moment I might have needed just then, remembering my friend and that most awesome of laughter's that can never be replaced.  What peace it has brought me through the years filled with rough patches.  I never needed to call her during those rough patches.  All I had to do was remember...

And now, finally, the time is so near that I'm pure giddy having to wait to see her.  I had been really upset this week because the rest of my family (you know - parents, siblings, and other sorts of relatives, etc) are all going on a 7 day cruise; something we can't quite afford.  It was eating me up! I'm surprised my husband would even come home from work. It took a few days before I could come to terms with it.  Not even my own mother would utter a word as to what or why we weren't going with them or even give me hope that we could.  She is not an instigator.  She knew I had to work this out on my own.  (Would you believe I'm 53yo?)  Their port of call is the same town my friend lives in and it finally dawned on me that just maybe this was the time.  

A ship is referred to as "she."  All I could see before me was that this was a vacation of a lifetime.  To be with my entire family; my father growing older and before all the kids are grown and gone.  It is only now that I realize my friend, "She" is, has been, and always will be A Lifetime.    

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Charles M. Schulz