Trusting My Heart...
Or is it "protecting my heart?"
How many times has your heart been broken by someone you've loved or cared about? I can't count the times I have trusted the wrong person and allowed my heart to be shattered into a million pieces. When that happens I think we become utterly speechless. We disappear into ourselves and replay what happened over and over again; trying to find where things went wrong. We beat ourselves up thinking "how could I be so blind" not to have noticed I was being used and no one was giving me a second thought. Often times we even go so far as to make excuses for the person who has wronged us. But, over time, and with an aching heart we learn to let go. It is never an easy thing to do.
Through the years I have basically trusted just about everyone in my life. I've allowed myself to be wronged over and over again; giving second, third, even more chances for those people to change and not hurt me. I would never give up. I never would let go. It didn't matter how bad my heart was hurting. These were my "friends" and I allowed them to take advantage of me; driving me to the point of developing panic attacks so severe I was sure I was having heart attacks. I finally realized that if I wanted to be happy I was the one who would have to do the changing.
It has taken some time to make some very necessary changes. It was so hard to turn away from those who had hurt me so often. I suppose my biggest fear was that I would be alone if I made the much needed changes. However, if I wanted to be truly happy I was the only one who could control it and make it happen.
At first it was so frustrating because I wanted changes to happen instantly. Little did I know that I would have to take "baby steps" to become truly happy. So, slowly, but surely, I began to make small changes in what I needed to do to let go. Letting go is hard and scary. Eventually, I realized those baby steps where allowing me to breathe easier. I felt the stress slipping away. Soon I was able to take bigger steps making the harder changes take place without feeling so guilty.
This morning when I made a phone call I finally realized that I was calling my best friend! We have known each other for almost (or just about) 10 years and have always gotten along. Whenever she answered I was always so glad to hear her voice, although this morning my voice sounded more like a frog and I had a severe ear ache. But, in my heart I felt compelled to call her anyway. It didn't matter that my ear hurt and I'm sure she thought I had turned into a bull frog, but she was willing to share so many things that had been bothering us both lately. We have both had to learn to let go. We both struggled tremendously; agonizing over all of the details and possibilities of things we were having to deal with.
In all of my years I don't think I've ever met someone who accepted me, "warts and all," or was willing to listen to me without criticizing. She has always been gracious and kind in every possible way. The thing is I've always known this about her. My friend always puts others first. She sincerely prays for those in need. She prays for those who aren't so nice and also the ones that have hurt her feelings to the point of tears and even goes so far to demean herself for all the "what ifs" she can think of. Only to do her best to put any blame on herself first. What a Godly Woman! And I know her personally! She never fails to show me the way no matter the circumstances. The funny part is (and I so love this about her) she'll say "Kay, can I ask you a question?" LOL!!! I smile every time she does that. She is so humble and I love her for it. Regardless of the fact that I almost die laughing when she asks that question! She wouldn't be who she is if she didn't ask.
I truly believe that God puts people in our lives when it's the right time; not our time, His time. Of course I have to say He has really given me some hum-dingers in my time. But, I know why. It has taken me a very long time to learn this. I'm so thankful that she was put in my life when I needed her the most. My friend has helped me more times than she will ever know (or admit) and I couldn't be more grateful.
Life is a gift we receive everyday. Sometimes those gifts are so unexpected. The unexpected ones I have to say are the best we could have wished for but didn't. They always show up when they are needed, least expected, can help the healing of a broken heart, open your eyes to new and better possibilities, and even show you the way to the Best Friend you never saw coming.
About 10 years have passed knowing this wonderful lady and my brain finally registered who my true friends really are. However, God threw in an unexpected friendship.
Thanks God! My BFF (I so really didn't want to use text code) is a keeper and I am so blessed!