the art of loving

      photo by Ashley Lebedev

 

i can see beyond the dirt and dust

young and old hold my heart aloft

the balance is ever wavering but not lost

never lost to one who loves

the man, a boy, the tears, unjust

chiseled and honed thru my years

ever looking beyond my might

before and after, in front or behind

the love is old and never ending

blending as the days turn me

adding laughter catching the light

the eyes are young and love the plight

a heart is filled and emptied still

over and over i add the color

remembering the words and the life

another one is ever still

while looking into the sun and moon

just as bright will shine thru me

arms will hold and rearrange

for comes one and then the other

life isn't just one color, one day, one night

from the painter comes the brush

his hair is fair to turn around

my eyes have never left that heart

i see the rays of expecting darkness

the wrong or right doesn't matter

my love will cover the all encompassing

sweeping away whatever must

minds me not as life returns

again and again to remember

the dirt, the dust, whose tears

we know all too well and

still i color my life, my heart

the days and nights are the years

theirs are old and young again

never letting go and no goodbyes

ever present are the looks of others

knowing not how its done

the art of love cannot be undone.

 

i love being ME!

 

loving life.

home is best.

family so close.

friends are the dearest.

understanding is expected.

being true to myself.

creating is a must.

shining a bright light.

slow down because there is no need to rush.

enjoying the smaller moments.

why cry when i can laugh.

share regardless.

we are all beautiful.

hugs and kisses.

holding hands.

painting my world.

with or without words.

the rest doesn't matter.

a boy on the brink

bittersweet.

he was beautiful when he was born.

at 11 he posed with a football as if to throw a great pass.

a hail mary always in a blue jean ball cap.

the first had a little dinosaur pinned on it and tiny red sunglasses.

his first pimple was awesome and right on the bridge of his nose!

standing in an airport he showed me the real kool-aid; red and flowing.

a true people watcher in his early teens.

his laughter is contagious with no inhibitions.

life was faster than he thought.

he is a patriot.

a son, a husband, a father.

so tall and warm.

in a hug, my ear pressed to his chest, i can feel his heart.

an expression of his soul is so apparent.

you don't have to look hard to know him.

i close my eyes and hear him call.

"mama."

forever in his heart.
he calls.

reflections of a little boy

he sits in patient anticipation of what he isn't always sure.

but he hopes as all little boys do.

they don't forget no matter how long it takes.

he will always wait.

maybe he will see his reflection in the window.

making faces while he waits.

the slightest hint of knowing something good will happen.

his tender heart gives way to the hope of never ending.

eyes open wide to surprise and wonder of what life holds.

his strength is more than he knows.

a super hero he dreams of being.

he never wants to be outdone before he comes undone.

holding on tight to what he knows is right.

just a little boy growing up fast and he doesn't know.

as he looks out a window he doesn't know it.



this little boy of mine

in just a few hours he will begin his 2nd year with a few old friends and meet new ones.

i tend to stay up during the night before a big day for him.  he's a restless soul.  he counts the days, the hours, the minutes.  and when he finally sleeps i can count on him to toss and tumble.  waking at least once.  and he does.

"mama?"  and i dash down the hall to his room.  he tells me he can't sleep.  "you've already been sleeping."  i tell him.  and he asks "how many more hours til i go to school?"  so i scootched him over telling him "5 hours."  i lay down beside him as he snuggles back down into his covers curled in next to me.  and in moments he breathes softly as i slip away.

i check his supply list, again.  i grab his backpack and the bags of supplies that he will take with him.  the dog ate one 24ct pack of crayola crayons.  thankfully i had gotten 2 packs.  all is set and ready to go.  and i hear "i'm thirsty."  as i take him some water i can tell today will be along day for him.  thankfully he is able to go back to sleep. 

when he's ready to leave i will take his picture.  as i will every year.  because i know this little boy of mine, he's gonna let it shine.

Life is Good

there is nothing like good friends and places to go.

our home is being remodeled and i'm so thankful that it is even possible!  we have been in this project for several months now and the transformation is awesome :)  inside and out.  the crew (basically family now) love our son and have taken him under their wings and let him get right in there with them.  i can't count the pictures i've taken.

and, speaking of pictures, we have a wonderful friend we love spending time with.  she's awesome!  she's one smart sexy lady who knows her stuff.  she takes great pics of all sorts of people, places and things.  she's a computer whiz when it comes to photos, videos, etc.  she's always going somewhere and seeing everything imaginable.  we have so much fun when she's in town.  above is a pic she took of us together :) 

so we took a breather from all of the dust and cacophony surrounding us and took off for some good food and big laughter.  and did we laugh!  toni is soooo sweet and the best at whatever anybody has a hankering for.  of course, food was on our menus and we dug in.  we have such a bad habit of holding up tables in restaurants.  we take our time.  but we always warn our server ahead of time so she/he can expect us to be there for however long it takes.  and it is always so nice to share in the compliments of those surrounding us.  life is just too short not to enjoy what you have at a moment's notice.  ha!  now that my hair has grown out (some of you may remember when my hair was "maybe" an inch long) i can snatch that stuff up off my face, put a bit of color on my lips and i'm ready to go!  oh, well, i do try to throw on something decent before leaving the house.  so much fun to spruce up a bit with a pretty dress and sandals.

and she's suppose to be here this weekend too!  yyaaaaaaaay!     





little boy lost

april 3rd 1986 he came into this world.  what a good baby boy.  right on schedule; daily.  learning so fast that the years flew by.

april 1996 he was taken from my world.  my world of loneliness; lost unbeknownst to either of us.  i think its safe to say we both fought hard being pulled in different directions.  the deceit to pull him into one of a living lie.  i've missed him ever since.  maybe one day he will realize i was true to myself so that i could remain who he might remember if that day ever comes.

a beautiful blond swept him into manhood and they were so beautiful together.  i hardly knew her; but, knowing him i knew her beauty had to be more than skin deep.  in grief they lost their first little girls, twins.  i'll never forget the phone call "mama i need you.  i'm losing them."  and they were gone before i could hold them.  a second chance brought them another.  so beautiful like her mother.  and i can only guess by now she would have that look he has about him. at least i've held her once.  so frightened i was as the others watched.

i know no particular dates when things began to change for them.  the bloom was off the rose.  i hate that one can believe the grass is always greener.  without her knowing i will always understand her as she grows; all the unanswered questions.  why?  i can only hope they are honest.

my mind has tamed the heart broken years; wondering what the ones before us will bring.  it seems everyone is always looking for someone.  how long it will be before mistakes are realized.  counting the marriages like counting between the thunder.  love rages the soul.

he is his father's son.  i wonder who is the proudest...

time passes

so many things to think about.

i have a beautiful friend living in tampa, fl.  i have loved her for so many years it seems almost incredible.  when i think of her i see her laughter.  its one of the best laughs i have ever heard and i will always treasure it.  she is so brave and strong.  if i could only hug her i would probably never let go. 


there is a man i love so dearly.  i have loved him more than he realizes.  maybe some day he will know.  he is beautiful, funny, kind, courageous, and so full of life.  to hear his voice again would be a blessing.  for him to believe i love him would be a miracle.

there is truly a beautiful woman that i know.  well, i know her just a little bit.  i pray that one day she will realize i love her.  so much has already happened in her young life.  but all these miles between us doesn't stop me from being proud of her.  and maybe some day she will share her daughter with me.

there is a girl i once knew so well.  last i knew she lived in ellijay.  her little boy is all grown up by now.  i wish i had her number so we could catch up.  i suppose that would be a very long conversation.  we spent our "wild days" together.  funny memories we could share.

i spent the day with a sweet friend.  i do believe and dare say she is the only person i know that never says an unkind word about anybody.  she makes an overwhelming chore become  but just a moment in time.  before i knew it she had to go.  i can hardly wait to see her again.  she is such a rare jewel.  i always make sure that when she leaves my house she has a new "pocketbook."

a neighbor died the other day.  we saw it coming.  i called him "baby chick" because his graying hair still blond always seemed to be a wisp that i just had to touch.  before i would leave from each visit i would pat him on the head with a kiss. " i love you baby chick" as he would grab for my hand. and in my ear i hear him say "i'm scared."  i told him "we all are."  now his wife in all her wisdom is alone.  i never seem to have a girlfriend my age.  she is in her 70s.  through all of our tears we always find laughter.  good bye baby chick.

there's this man i know.  and he knows me.  he saved my life and i am forever grateful.  we have known each other for many years now.  as time passes i see him less and less.  i often wonder what i will do when he leaves this earth.  i don't like thinking about it.  one day he told me "you are the bravest woman i have ever met."  the look on his face with those precious words will always be etched in my heart.  he gave me courage and i can never repay him.

i've been invited to a baby shower.  my little friend is having her third baby; another boy.  we actually had our babies in the same year.  i was 45 and she is still in her 20s.  like i said - i never seem to have a friend my age.  but these days we rarely see each other.  regardless, our friendship is wonderful.  from the moment we met we both knew we would be friends for life.  we still have "moms day out" leaving our boys with their daddies.  our favorite hangout is ihop, a stack of pancakes, and coffee.  her husband hates me - lol!  we have a mutual understanding about each other so, no worries.  "pass and re-pass" as my grandma used to say.

these people that i know, that i miss, and i love, are woven into my life.  the memories are threaded through my heart.  the tears and laughter are the perfect watercolor that begins on a blank page.  one never knows how it will turn out.  but it is created by the artist in all of us.  we have a purpose for that chance meeting.  whether we continue the journey together or a choice is made to take another path.  in the grand scheme of things we do not dictate, as some would want to do, who is right or wrong.  it is only begun by a simple need to be loved.

it seems such a long time since i've been here last.  time truly passes quickly.  i have so much to share with so many.  i wish they knew that i love them and i pray for them.  i hope that each passing day brings joy and laughter.

photo by a.s.