SMA 5K 2013

This is my cousin Caleb.  Please join our family as we rally for a cure!

reflections of a little boy

he sits in patient anticipation of what he isn't always sure.

but he hopes as all little boys do.

they don't forget no matter how long it takes.

he will always wait.

maybe he will see his reflection in the window.

making faces while he waits.

the slightest hint of knowing something good will happen.

his tender heart gives way to the hope of never ending.

eyes open wide to surprise and wonder of what life holds.

his strength is more than he knows.

a super hero he dreams of being.

he never wants to be outdone before he comes undone.

holding on tight to what he knows is right.

just a little boy growing up fast and he doesn't know.

as he looks out a window he doesn't know it.



this little boy of mine

in just a few hours he will begin his 2nd year with a few old friends and meet new ones.

i tend to stay up during the night before a big day for him.  he's a restless soul.  he counts the days, the hours, the minutes.  and when he finally sleeps i can count on him to toss and tumble.  waking at least once.  and he does.

"mama?"  and i dash down the hall to his room.  he tells me he can't sleep.  "you've already been sleeping."  i tell him.  and he asks "how many more hours til i go to school?"  so i scootched him over telling him "5 hours."  i lay down beside him as he snuggles back down into his covers curled in next to me.  and in moments he breathes softly as i slip away.

i check his supply list, again.  i grab his backpack and the bags of supplies that he will take with him.  the dog ate one 24ct pack of crayola crayons.  thankfully i had gotten 2 packs.  all is set and ready to go.  and i hear "i'm thirsty."  as i take him some water i can tell today will be along day for him.  thankfully he is able to go back to sleep. 

when he's ready to leave i will take his picture.  as i will every year.  because i know this little boy of mine, he's gonna let it shine.

Life is Good

there is nothing like good friends and places to go.

our home is being remodeled and i'm so thankful that it is even possible!  we have been in this project for several months now and the transformation is awesome :)  inside and out.  the crew (basically family now) love our son and have taken him under their wings and let him get right in there with them.  i can't count the pictures i've taken.

and, speaking of pictures, we have a wonderful friend we love spending time with.  she's awesome!  she's one smart sexy lady who knows her stuff.  she takes great pics of all sorts of people, places and things.  she's a computer whiz when it comes to photos, videos, etc.  she's always going somewhere and seeing everything imaginable.  we have so much fun when she's in town.  above is a pic she took of us together :) 

so we took a breather from all of the dust and cacophony surrounding us and took off for some good food and big laughter.  and did we laugh!  toni is soooo sweet and the best at whatever anybody has a hankering for.  of course, food was on our menus and we dug in.  we have such a bad habit of holding up tables in restaurants.  we take our time.  but we always warn our server ahead of time so she/he can expect us to be there for however long it takes.  and it is always so nice to share in the compliments of those surrounding us.  life is just too short not to enjoy what you have at a moment's notice.  ha!  now that my hair has grown out (some of you may remember when my hair was "maybe" an inch long) i can snatch that stuff up off my face, put a bit of color on my lips and i'm ready to go!  oh, well, i do try to throw on something decent before leaving the house.  so much fun to spruce up a bit with a pretty dress and sandals.

and she's suppose to be here this weekend too!  yyaaaaaaaay!     





hide and seek

hide and seek by justk featuring lulu jewelry

Clutch bag
luluguinness.com

Miss Selfridge floral jewelry
missselfridge.com

from where i stand

i can see clearly. these are my words. i write them. they are mine. no one can change them to fit their own needs to be for their own self worth. they are mine and no one elses. i have lived a life worth something more than what others may have wanted me to have. and these are my words in my life. i am not a bauble. or a trophy to be brought out to show about to make you look good. it is not nor has it ever been your right to do with as you please. i'm taking it back. i am worth more than you will ever know or realize no matter how hard you try to take what is mine. and what is mine is me. and what is of me is mine. that will never change. it can not be undone by anyone who believes they have a right to it. this is mine and you have no rights. i am free to be who and what i am. what i choose to be or become at any given time without having to wait for your consent. you can bandy about your own self worth which is really nothing but a mere pittance; that being the merest of one you think you have. it is sad really. you thought so little of yourself that you had to take from others. you didn't have your own self worth so you stole another's. mine to be exact. or you think you did. and if you did it was only for a moment. you have no glory unless you have bestowed it upon yourself and then and only then you know it is worth nothing. it wasn't given to you. you took it. now it is nothing but a thorn in your side to fester forever. i will always be a reminder of what you took. what you thought you could have. you are nothing without me and you know it. it will always be with you. you can't run from it. nor hide from it. you will always have to explain yourself for what you did. sugar coat it all you want but it will always be a bitter taste in your own mouth as you say the words of what you think you have achieved. which is nothing more than a pack of lies and deceitfulness. you chase your own tail having tucked it between your legs and will forever turn in a vicious circle never ending. to imagine you can be something you are not unless you take it from someone else. what a sad state of affairs. to live the rest of your life with the knowing of what you did was wrong. mean. hateful. cruel. but you did not succeed in anything other than your own broken life. your only challenge is in your own mind. you are brutal but a coward. i am so glad i do not have to look in the mirror every day of my life and think of the wrong i have done to another. to spend so much time chasing something that is not there. you think it is but it isn't. you will never find it. life runs from you. only darkness follows you. this life you think you wasted for your own benefit only serves the purpose of destruction that will forever be of your own doing. it can not be rebuilt. you can put it in a pretty picture but it only stares back with blank eyes. it is nothing but the fakeness of your own reality. and i dare say you know or understand reality as a life should be. but it wasn't. this life you live is only for show. the one you watch is something you can never have. you never had a chance. you are a bully on the playground. the one the other mothers stare at and worn their children about. while teaching their little ones to play fair. you must have been absent that day. you are never where you are suppose to be. still you play the game. only a cheater can last so long and then its over. all the fun you think you had was never there. the disappointment was lost to you. you turned your face and showed your true colors. but you didn't think anyone would notice. you watch too much tv. what a shame that you have to build a life on nothing but sand through an hour glass and then your time is up. life is too short to keep chasing your tail. people will only laugh for so long and then they will see the cheap side of what you pulled over on them. to walk through life as if you are somebody when really you were never anybody. self importance is what you see in that mirror. you aren't really that important to anyone else. you think you are because they smile and wave. always trying to keep up with the joneses. it never works. you will always fall short. life has a way of doing that to people. it is always just out of your reach. all you can grab is air. always slipping away from you as you constantly pile on what you think will hold it in place but it is ever changing. you can't take it with you. you can only pretend for so long. and if that is the case then you just might win that race because its a waste of everyone elses time. how sad is that. you surround yourself with what you think is yours. bought and paid for. bought. not earned. stolen. not given. how sad. it all looks good on paper. you think it looks good in the mirror. you only fool yourself because you have nothing else but broken bits and pieces of different lives strung together to make yourself feel better. but it only lasts a moment and then you have to start tying the knots tighter because it keeps slipping through your fingers. never a breath of fresh air. the staleness of what might have been had you only learned to love. you will never learn. you will always chase something. anything you think might make you look good to someone else who could care less. but you will never realize that nobody really cares how you look or what you think you have. its whats inside. pretend all you want. its a slow burn. and i don't have the time to waste blowing it out to save you from yourself.

if i could paint my life

what color would it be?  so many things have passed; the colors that i see.  the green of my youth.  those "tween" years that i stumbled through.  wishing only to fit in with the city people but surrounded by country folk.  no pink.  the color of spend-the-night parties with your best girlfriends.  laughing and giggling all through the night.  just the same green that spoke of a different time that most had left behind.  the bright neon colors when the fair came to town and how i wished to go with friends and be part of such a big crowd.  the loudness of it all covered in cotton candy and popcorn.  white lights blinking rides to the screams of so many kids you couldn't begin to count them all.  it only lasted a week at most but i missed it when it was gone.  those were the years i picked red tomatoes until i thought i would die if i had to look at another one.  and yet that same green i walked through everyday no matter what i had to do.  the muted colors of fresh grown vegetables that i knew my school mates would never see but only for a can on a pantry shelf.  i hated those days.  they were either long and hot or dark and cold.  that long clay driveway staring at the country road i lived on.  even the house was green.  a cedar tree was our christmas tree and it hurt to decorate and hurt worse to "un" decorate.  but it smelled good.  i just didn't know it.  those were the days of hand-me-downs that were either too big or too small and all the wrong colors.  i left those behind not soon enough.  racing towards the big city with nothing to hang on to.  only the dismal blue of depression i had known as a child before those teen years.  i fell right back into the dust of that blueness.  nothing had changed but the color.  i was still all alone in my world.  i hated the blue more than the green that held me back from fun and laughter and never knowing i could have had a chance if only someone had paid attention.  a shattered world surrounded me regardless of how hard i tried.  it wasn't mine to begin with.  it was someone elses.  but it rained on me.  i ran from the blue so long it seemed to never stop.  i only ended up decorating a new home with blue carpet.  it was the color at the time.  everyone was doing blue and i hated it.  but it was the color you see.  if you didn't have blue, that country blue, your decor was questionable.  and then i painted yellow walls to ease the pain.  for awhile it eased the pain.  then we moved.  and then we moved again.  and again.  the green came back in a darker shade.  i fancied myself a decorator with a new palette.  upon my word i changed the shade and intertwined my life to suit my being.  color became my friend.  i added the red i had once hated.  but as i said i changed the shade.  how well it suited me and looked on by others.  i was a trophy wife as long as i didn't speak.  just like a child who is seen but not heard.  how i changed the color to keep me sane i'll never know.  but it sold.  it sold so well i lost it all.  next!  another long clay driveway staring at the country road i lived on.  i hung onto that green but i couldn't shake the blue.  it followed me like an abyss waiting for me to go ahead and fall into that black bottomless pit never to return to paint my life over again.  how does one paint over their life again?  where is the rainbow of our lives only to show for a moment what was, what is, what will.  a promise from god to heal the devastation of the worst colors we live.  i've painted buckets and buckets full over and over.  swirling my brush to cover the hurt.  the loss.  the eccentricities of my life show now for all those who look and see.  shades of who i am good or bad.  somewhere in between.  the twinkle of a sparkler on the 4th of july.  wearing a blue shirt with an american flag.  those red stripes reminding me of those red tomatoes and the blue a bluer blue for me to see.  a brighter sky with a yellow sun instead of yellow walls to pretend all is well.  the shade of green has changed again and is better than just a tree.  the bluer walls with a rainbow grace my home as a little red plane flies towards the sun.  the pink is in keeping for a childhood not known.  beside the orange and the purple an antique settee squires a tapestry to hold it all in place.  a cross between chili pepper and poppy red bring back my memories.  times meant not to forget but to remember was not so bad.  i was safe and that was all.  i may have needed more.  but the green returns to tell me i always had much more.

until you walk in my shoes...

don't think for a second that i don't know how you judge me.  i live it every breath i take.  its written all over your face.  it is almost audible.  the look in your eyes when i say something.  don't ask if you don't want to know.  because i will tell you.  brutally.  my words will be brutal.  by definition.

i left a window open.  just one.  all others are closed and locked.  because there may come a day that someone wants to ask a question.  or just come back.  even without question.

last night i slept on the floor next to my little boy's bed.  he has rads or reactive airway disease.  its a condition in which the airways in the lungs overreact to certain things.  he was diagnosed last friday.  he will have to wear a medical bracelet.  but, now, he has a stomach bug on top of that.  he can't have his medication for rads.  his heart rate is up.  his temperature is alarming.  his little cheeks have been bright red.  the heat radiating from his little body has been overwhelming.  he's so sick that he sleeps for long periods of time.  and it scares me.  so i stay up and watch.  he tosses and moans.  or he's deathly still and i watch to see if he's breathing.  he is.  tonight i let him sleep on the sofa.  we will both sleep here tonight.  for the moment he is quiet and still and the overwhelming heat has left his body.  finally.

i have another little boy.  i remember so many years ago the hallucinating fevers that were his only symptoms.  he had asthma.  so many nights i would sit and hold him while he fought the raging fevers.  his eyes were glassy and wide open.  "look mama!  the horses!"  reaching his little hand out into the space that was our living room.  long hours.  holding and rocking while sitting on the sofa.  he never knew about the hallucinations.  nor did anyone else.  just me.  just his mama.  i watched him closely.  every day.  i held him tight every night.  he would say "sing mama" and i would hum a lullaby he was so accustomed to hearing before he fell asleep.  always in my arms.  and i would carry him to his bed.  he's all grown up now.  no symptoms of asthma.  he outgrew it.  a relief.  he's all grown up and has his own baby now.  i hope he remembers the lullaby.

those days are gone.  and nothing to replace them with.  he is his father's son.  but i left the window open.

words will never express the hurt.  the broken heart.  the loss.  all of my will never had a chance.  i had no chance.  the rage of the fight in me got me nowhere.  years have passed.  years i tried.  years i fought.  years i'll wait.  no matter.  i will wait.  i'm still here.  and i still have another little boy.  he's just all grown up now.

today i remembered all of these things.  not that these rememberings are ever far away.  but, they were up close.  and personal.  as i watched my little boy struggle with his fever for the second day.  it all came rushing back.  but they are not to be compared.  my little boy was awake for a little while.  as he watched spongebob his fever raged on.  and again he began to fall asleep.  i watched.  and out of the blue he looked at me and said "mama, everybody in my class is bigger than me."  he's in kindergarten.  "that's ok" i say.  as he drifted off again.  and i watched.

it doesn't matter what you think of me.  i know i did my best.  i gave everything in me.  to no avail.  i was held at arms length.  i was pushed away.  i tell the truth.  i will tell it again.  and its not just me.  its family.  life is shorter than you think.  before you realize it can all be covered up.  but i keep uncovering it.  every day.  i live it.  my life wills me.

i have another little boy.  but he's all grown up.  finally i laid my grief at God's feet.  the grief that controlled my world.  i have another little boy and i watch him breathe.  just as i did before.  i was there.  now i'm here.

you can't judge me.  not until you walk in my shoes...