Thursday, August 18, 2011
from where i stand
i can see clearly. these are my words. i write them. they are mine. no one can change them to fit their own needs to be for their own self worth. they are mine and no one elses. i have lived a life worth something more than what others may have wanted me to have. and these are my words in my life. i am not a bauble. or a trophy to be brought out to show about to make you look good. it is not nor has it ever been your right to do with as you please. i'm taking it back. i am worth more than you will ever know or realize no matter how hard you try to take what is mine. and what is mine is me. and what is of me is mine. that will never change. it can not be undone by anyone who believes they have a right to it. this is mine and you have no rights. i am free to be who and what i am. what i choose to be or become at any given time without having to wait for your consent. you can bandy about your own self worth which is really nothing but a mere pittance; that being the merest of one you think you have. it is sad really. you thought so little of yourself that you had to take from others. you didn't have your own self worth so you stole another's. mine to be exact. or you think you did. and if you did it was only for a moment. you have no glory unless you have bestowed it upon yourself and then and only then you know it is worth nothing. it wasn't given to you. you took it. now it is nothing but a thorn in your side to fester forever. i will always be a reminder of what you took. what you thought you could have. you are nothing without me and you know it. it will always be with you. you can't run from it. nor hide from it. you will always have to explain yourself for what you did. sugar coat it all you want but it will always be a bitter taste in your own mouth as you say the words of what you think you have achieved. which is nothing more than a pack of lies and deceitfulness. you chase your own tail having tucked it between your legs and will forever turn in a vicious circle never ending. to imagine you can be something you are not unless you take it from someone else. what a sad state of affairs. to live the rest of your life with the knowing of what you did was wrong. mean. hateful. cruel. but you did not succeed in anything other than your own broken life. your only challenge is in your own mind. you are brutal but a coward. i am so glad i do not have to look in the mirror every day of my life and think of the wrong i have done to another. to spend so much time chasing something that is not there. you think it is but it isn't. you will never find it. life runs from you. only darkness follows you. this life you think you wasted for your own benefit only serves the purpose of destruction that will forever be of your own doing. it can not be rebuilt. you can put it in a pretty picture but it only stares back with blank eyes. it is nothing but the fakeness of your own reality. and i dare say you know or understand reality as a life should be. but it wasn't. this life you live is only for show. the one you watch is something you can never have. you never had a chance. you are a bully on the playground. the one the other mothers stare at and worn their children about. while teaching their little ones to play fair. you must have been absent that day. you are never where you are suppose to be. still you play the game. only a cheater can last so long and then its over. all the fun you think you had was never there. the disappointment was lost to you. you turned your face and showed your true colors. but you didn't think anyone would notice. you watch too much tv. what a shame that you have to build a life on nothing but sand through an hour glass and then your time is up. life is too short to keep chasing your tail. people will only laugh for so long and then they will see the cheap side of what you pulled over on them. to walk through life as if you are somebody when really you were never anybody. self importance is what you see in that mirror. you aren't really that important to anyone else. you think you are because they smile and wave. always trying to keep up with the joneses. it never works. you will always fall short. life has a way of doing that to people. it is always just out of your reach. all you can grab is air. always slipping away from you as you constantly pile on what you think will hold it in place but it is ever changing. you can't take it with you. you can only pretend for so long. and if that is the case then you just might win that race because its a waste of everyone elses time. how sad is that. you surround yourself with what you think is yours. bought and paid for. bought. not earned. stolen. not given. how sad. it all looks good on paper. you think it looks good in the mirror. you only fool yourself because you have nothing else but broken bits and pieces of different lives strung together to make yourself feel better. but it only lasts a moment and then you have to start tying the knots tighter because it keeps slipping through your fingers. never a breath of fresh air. the staleness of what might have been had you only learned to love. you will never learn. you will always chase something. anything you think might make you look good to someone else who could care less. but you will never realize that nobody really cares how you look or what you think you have. its whats inside. pretend all you want. its a slow burn. and i don't have the time to waste blowing it out to save you from yourself.