Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Words Matter

panic is terrible.  it is a driving force.  without warning it attacks.  it hurts.  it reminds me of things i don't want to remember.  it wakes me in the middle of the night for no reason.  i am minding my own business and it strikes.

i live with panic.  it lurks.  it waits for me.  and just when i least expect it it becomes full blown.  basically, there is nothing i can do but wait it out.  there are those moments when i have to understand the difference between panic pain or is it my heart.  either way its breaking.

its all consumming.  and i have to fight it alone.  there is nothing, no one who can help.  medication?  yes.  for the rest of my life.  but it isn't instantaneous.  i have to wait it out.  the pounding is like thunder.  i can't see the elephant sitting on my chest.  but, its there.  taking its time.  time i can't take.  mentally.

healing comes with time.  time can be what makes me or breaks me.  i've learned to work it out.  that doesn't mean it doesn't get the best of me.  it runs my life.

i don't think about my panic until it sneaks up on me.  maybe its the only thing that gets me thru it.  i don't think about it.  i don't wait for it.  it just slams me and i have to handle it then.  there is no time to think about what to do.

my panic is no secret.  anyone who knows me knows that panic is me.  i face it every day.  every moment.  every breath.  every time i read something that hits too close to home.

home.  panic.  not the same.  my home is my refuge.  used to be hell only a different location.  my husband sees it.  he knows it isn't my fault.  he loves me thru it.  loves me thru it.  every time.  without fail.  he loves me thru it.

i can choose to hide.  my home hides me.  my home protects me.  my home is me.  my home.  but i don't want to hide.  my life is an open book.  its what i tell people.  i have no secrets.  so if my life is an open book then why hide?  because i can.  but i will tell you about it.  about me.  about what i know.  i'm me.  just ask and i will tell you.

i am fierce.  i'm out-spoken.  i'm mean.  i can be meaner.  but i love hard.  so hard it hurts.  i can't not love.  but there are those who think otherwise.  they think because "i let go" i don't love anymore.  but they are wrong.  i love hard but i have to let go.  if i love too hard i am consummed by it all and i fail.  i am not a failure.  but there are those same who believe i am.  but i'm not.

what is it they say   "... if you love something let it go... blah blah blah..."  i let it go.  but not without a fight.  i let it go so i could breathe.  i let go so i could live.  i let go because i love too hard and i shatter into a million pieces over and over.  does anyone believe me?  does it matter?  i let go not because i didn't love.  i let go because there was nowhere i could hold onto.

run.  run.  fast as i can.  i run and chase.  i run faster.  i'm almost there.  no i'm not.  there is no "almost."  but i run.  i can't catch up.  they won't let me.  this is my race.  no one can run with me.  no one runs for me.  no one runs to me.  but i run.  i still run faster. 

i read sadness.  i answer sadly.  it reminds me.  and i panic.  so much hurt.  so much pain.  what happened?  why did it turn sad?  i was there.  i know i was.  this heart was there.  this heart stays open.  it is wounded.  but it stays open.  it hurts still.  it hurts always.  i can't breathe if i close it.  i can't smile if i close it.  a wounded smile that no one sees.  they just see a smile.

time is too fast.  so i smile.  time turns away what was.  that smile is still there.  but no one sees lost time.  no one sees the time that caused the wounded heart.  no one sees the panic inside.  my constant companion.  pretend?  no.  real feelings.  i hide nothing from the world.  but its misunderstood.

i left.  i walked away.  no i didn't.  no one let me in.  i'm not too proud to beg.  i love too hard so i beg.  i can't not love.  but i have to wait it out.  i have to seem the bad one.  i'm not bad.  if you see me you know me.  i'm not bad.  i'm me.  with panic. 

there is no button to push.  panic isn't a button to push.  its panic.  its pain.  and it hurts.  and no one understands.  and it starts all over.

i let go so i could breathe.  i let go so i could love again.  i let go because i have to live again.  i let go so when i panic i don't fall apart.  i let go.

love panics.

1 comment:

jen said...

I know that this knowledge comes from painful experience and that must be difficult to write about. I have some limited experience with panic after the accident, it lasted just about year or so.

I have never heard it put that way "love panics" that is a unique description, I rather think it‘s perfect.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Charles M. Schulz