the pink ribbon in my heart...

i have a friend named carol who lives so many hours away that i can't give her a real hug. she deserves great big huge hugs every day. she is living with breast cancer.

i won't sit here and pretend to understand all that has happened to her. i only know the suffering that she bares. the jargon is so foreign. i only know she fights. she screens her calls. but, that's something she's always done. and her voice has always been a happy voice. do you know what a happy voice sounds like sooooo far away? i do. in my minds eye i can still see her smiling which always carried a laugh along with it. i've never known her to be a sad person at any time.

we haven't seen each other in over 20 years. but i'm here and she's there. and right now that's all that matters. she's there. i still hear her laughing. carol's smile and laughter has always come to mind when i think "i need to send her an email" or call and leave a message.

i remember when i heard from her last summer and she gave me that terrible news. those ugly words... breast cancer. my first thoughts were to try and make arrangements to go and see her. i remember thinking i've got to make sure i see her before she leaves this earth. oddly enough i remember her telling me she could at least get a jump start on her christmas cards since she wouldn't feel up to doing very much. you see, my friend has always made her own cards. i've always looked forward to getting my card from her. not just a christmas card, but, a birthday card as well. or maybe i would get lucky and get a valentine's card. i've framed some of her cards. i've saved them all. i could hear the smile in her voice when she told me about her christmas cards.

she gave me a scare recently. talk about me being scared. silly that i would be when she most likely is every moment of her life. i had sent an email. i had called and left a message on her phone. i worried and worried. i told my husband i didn't know if carol's husband would think to call me or send me something telling me she was gone. i have rarely spoken to the man. i remember when she got engaged. he is the kind of man that chooses a diamond and then has it set for his perfect bride. only to our, her friends, surprise that they got married in the middle of a week. i think it was valentine's day. as well that it was because i remember her telling me she wouldn't marry him until she decided by what name she wanted to be known. but for them it was perfect. nothing traditional. just simple and elegant. i only know this from the pictures i got to see. all that aside i worried that too much time had passed for a reply. so, i asked my husband to search the net for anything regarding her. what an awful task to search the obituaries for someone you love.

i finally heard from her in reply to my email. from what i could gather in that foreign jargon regarding the cancer she told me about something she should have decided to do in the beginning. however, she had chosen another route to her recovery. basically she hit a brick wall. after all was said and done, it wasn't done. now she bides her time making another decision regarding her cancer.

since that last email i've heard no more. early on i "scrapped" her a page and framed it. i had so much i wanted to say on that page and i did my best. she loved it saying she was hanging it where she could see it everyday. i want to do more, but, i don't know what. i've walked. i've prayed. and i still pray. i've always missed her. our lives took us in different directions. somehow we've stayed connected and i'm so thankful for that.

so if my friend reads this, and i hope she does, i want her to know i love her so much. regardless of all the miles i can remember her smiles.