The Answer continued...

...is that Mike's body created it's own ability to divert the needed blood flow to circulate around the blockage and take up the slack for the now gone and useless artery.  At this point I have to say last night was the worst for both of us.  He could not articulate anything he thought or wanted to say to me.  He couldn't follow the commands for the "speech" part of testing his abilities every few hours.  Moving arms and legs were a breeze - touching his nose and the doctor's finger was no big deal for Mike to handle.  It was the talking beyond yes and no that was his biggest challenge.  My heart broke every time he tried, ending with shaking his head and in tears.  We only heard "It won't" or "I can't" through each testing.  I witnessed a man who has always known his way around a computer let a piece of paper with "passwords" come between him and success.  The only man on earth who was able to tame this wild girl I call myself was totally lost in a world of wanting to say something expected for hope of recovery.  And he couldn't - there was nothing I could do for my husband but wait for him.  As the night grew longer Mike grew worse.  I had said something that actually drew a spontaneous laugh out of my husband during that harshness.  As happy as I was to hear him laugh out loud I realized that the right side of his face was no longer responding.  And we still had not heard back from the Specialist.  Today was a very long day, but somehow Mike was improving with each tick of the clock.  I think every Therapist in the hospital showed up in our room!  But, it paid off with both sides of his smile.  His face was back to normal and he was able to say what he remembered more readily, but with one exception...  Everybody was born in 2000 something!!!  LOL!!!  We were instantly all young again!  We could work with that if only the Specialist would show up with the bottom line prognosis.  And that took all day long.  The man had "business hours" it seemed.  We were bottom of the list and he was wrapping up "his" day with "us" and our unanswered questions that had been burning through the night and into today.  The Specialist put Mike through the paces again.  Yes - there was still some lasting signs of his stroke, but no more paralysis of his face.  Yes - over time he will recover with a more rapid response time.  Yes - the blockage was permanent, but no operation would be forthcoming.  Yes - Mike would be on medication to help his blood circulate easier.  No - there should not be any lasting effects from this stroke after a period of time relative to Mike on his own volition.  

YES - ALL OF YOURS AND OUR PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED!!!

The following video is dedicated to my husband, Mike Burnett...

all my love, Kay.

Being Blessed by Letting Go

 

Trusting My Heart...

Or is it "protecting my heart?"  

How many times has your heart been broken by someone you've loved or cared about?  I can't count the times I have trusted the wrong person and allowed my heart to be shattered into a million pieces. When that happens I think we become utterly speechless.  We disappear into ourselves and replay what happened over and over again; trying to find where things went wrong.  We beat ourselves up thinking "how could I be so blind" not to have noticed I was being used and no one was giving me a second thought.  Often times we even go so far as to make excuses for the person who has wronged us.  But, over time, and with an aching heart we learn to let go.  It is never an easy thing to do.

Through the years I have basically trusted just about everyone in my life.  I've allowed myself to be wronged over and over again; giving second, third, even more chances for those people to change and not hurt me.  I would never give up.  I never would let go.  It didn't matter how bad my heart was hurting.  These were my "friends" and I allowed them to take advantage of me; driving me to the point of developing panic attacks so severe I was sure I was having heart attacks.  I finally realized that if I wanted to be happy I was the one who would have to do the changing.

It has taken some time to make some very necessary changes.  It was so hard to turn away from those who had hurt me so often.  I suppose my biggest fear was that I would be alone if I made the much needed changes. However, if I wanted to be truly happy I was the only one who could control it and make it happen.  

At first it was so frustrating because I wanted changes to happen instantly.  Little did I know that I would have to take "baby steps" to become truly happy.  So, slowly, but surely, I began to make small changes in what I needed to do to let go.  Letting go is hard and scary.  Eventually, I realized those baby steps where allowing me to breathe easier.  I felt the stress slipping away.  Soon I was able to take bigger steps making the harder changes take place without feeling so guilty.

This morning when I made a phone call I finally realized that I was calling my best friend!  We have known each other for almost (or just about) 10 years and have always gotten along.  Whenever she answered I was always so glad to hear her voice, although this morning my voice sounded more like a frog and I had a severe ear ache. But, in my heart I felt compelled to call her anyway.  It didn't matter that my ear hurt and I'm sure she thought I had turned into a bull frog, but she was willing to share so many things that had been bothering us both lately.  We have both had to learn to let go. We both struggled tremendously; agonizing over all of the details and possibilities of things we were having to deal with. 

In all of my years I don't think I've ever met someone who accepted me, "warts and all," or was willing to listen to me without criticizing.  She has always been gracious and kind in every possible way.  The thing is I've always known this about her.  My friend always puts others first.  She sincerely prays for those in need.  She prays for those who aren't so nice and also the ones that have hurt her feelings to the point of tears and even goes so far to demean herself for all the "what ifs" she can think of.  Only to do her best to put any blame on herself first. What a Godly Woman!  And I know her personally! She never fails to show me the way no matter the circumstances. The funny part is (and I so love this about her) she'll say "Kay, can I ask you a question?"  LOL!!!  I smile every time she does that. She is so humble and I love her for it.  Regardless of the fact that I almost die laughing when she asks that question!  She wouldn't be who she is if she didn't ask.

I truly believe that God puts people in our lives when it's the right time; not our time, His time.  Of course I have to say He has really given me some hum-dingers in my time.  But, I know why.  It has taken me a very long time to learn this.  I'm so thankful that she was put in my life when I needed her the most.  My friend has helped me more times than she will ever know (or admit) and I couldn't be more grateful.  

Life is a gift we receive everyday.  Sometimes those gifts are so unexpected.  The unexpected ones I have to say are the best we could have wished for but didn't.  They always show up when they are needed, least expected, can help the healing of a broken heart, open your eyes to new and better possibilities, and even show you the way to the Best Friend you never saw coming.

About 10 years have passed knowing this wonderful lady and my brain finally registered who my true friends really are.  However, God threw in an unexpected friendship.

Thanks God!  My BFF (I so really didn't want to use text code) is a keeper and I am so blessed!  

   

   

So many years have passed...

This is me now.

Who knew?

In a few weeks I will see one of the dearest friends I have ever had, but not seen in almost 30 years. My heart is full, near to bursting, with the anticipation of seeing her.  Over the years I have recalled time and again her awesome laughter followed up by her yelling my name as if she couldn't believe I had said or done something a bit off color.  But she laughed a big laugh regardless.  

I think, in life, we all have that someone we will always remember.  No matter what.  It's that someone who made you feel special and accepted you as you are and was never embarrassed to be seen with you.  To read this you would never know we really didn't spend a lot of time together.  

It was at work mostly.  So odd to look back and know I had only been to her house once.  She even had a best friend (it wasn't me) at the time, and yet I cannot remember her name, but i can see her face just as clear as my friend's.  Although I do remember the name of who her "bestie" married after I had moved away and left my friend behind stupidly following a man who had entered my life and I clung to for some reason if only to have my first born son.  I remember my friend "running off" to get married during the work week.  It was just like her; a no frills kinda girl.  Although she wore the most expensive kid leather shoes a mother could buy for her daughter.  And she wouldn't marry her fiance' until she could figure out how she wanted her name to be...   with or without the hyphen - LOL!  I can see her gorgeous engagement ring he had picked out just for her.  The stone first, of course.  I would have cared less what MY name would have been at that moment looking at that ring!  But, that was her style.  It was those kinds of things that mattered to her the most.  And how I envied her.  She had a man who adored her and waited for her to make up her mind.  I should have taken a clue to that one... but, then again, it was just that kind of step in life that puts me where I am now.  I, too, have a man who adores me.  sigh.

So, we are making plans.  Emailing back and forth trying to find the right accommodations for this, a momentous occasion.  It is for me, at least.  Over the years I have filled my shelves and walls with the cards she would make and never forget to send; framed and always where they would catch my eye.  Giving me the moment I might have needed just then, remembering my friend and that most awesome of laughter's that can never be replaced.  What peace it has brought me through the years filled with rough patches.  I never needed to call her during those rough patches.  All I had to do was remember...

And now, finally, the time is so near that I'm pure giddy having to wait to see her.  I had been really upset this week because the rest of my family (you know - parents, siblings, and other sorts of relatives, etc) are all going on a 7 day cruise; something we can't quite afford.  It was eating me up! I'm surprised my husband would even come home from work. It took a few days before I could come to terms with it.  Not even my own mother would utter a word as to what or why we weren't going with them or even give me hope that we could.  She is not an instigator.  She knew I had to work this out on my own.  (Would you believe I'm 53yo?)  Their port of call is the same town my friend lives in and it finally dawned on me that just maybe this was the time.  

A ship is referred to as "she."  All I could see before me was that this was a vacation of a lifetime.  To be with my entire family; my father growing older and before all the kids are grown and gone.  It is only now that I realize my friend, "She" is, has been, and always will be A Lifetime.    

BLESSED!

YES, I AM! 

Although I spent Wednesday in a kind of funk, tired, achy, hurting from several different things I was dealing with I am always aware that I AM BLESSED!  I believe we can hurt and feel blessed at the same time.  Kind of like crying happy tears.

On Tuesday I had a dentist appointment - no biggie - but had to get a numbing shot to have some enamel work done.  This was followed by an appointment with my dermatologist.  When you drive up into the parking lot you get the feeling you are driving into a "resort" because of the way the building and surrounding area looks.  And, it's calm and relaxing as you walk in.  But, that was not what was in store for me.  I had been experiencing facial peeling that was so bothersome!  I had to get this taken care of.  As I said, little did I realize what the doctor had in mind.  It was a full on body search!!!  Oh My!  By the time it was over I had several biopsies and a skin tag removed from right under my left eye.  Try to be still the next time someone comes at your eye with a pair of scissors...  You don't dare move and "heaven take me now if I move!"  As I looked at my doctor and addressed the skin that seemed to peel continuously from my face (try putting on makeup while your skin peels) she said, "Good!  We want your skin to peel.  You will never have wrinkles.  I will call you next week about the biopsies..."  as she left the room.

I left the building in a daze.  Was I happy being 52 years old and understanding my face will never wrinkle?  Ok.  I AM BLESSED!  I was glad the skin tag was removed, but it really hurt!  I didn't have to have stitches.  I AM BLESSED!  And, what about those biopsies?  Well, I was "walking" out of the building without having to "pay for services rendered."  That was A BLESSING!  I was walking and had spent no money.  Doctors are expensive and we have a very high deductible.  By Wednesday I was tired and sore.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  But, I AM BLESSED because I am a "stay at home mom."

As I sat in my favorite chair, doing nothing, I considered my options.  I AM BLESSED because after assessing my physical "condition" at that moment I called my husband and asked if it would be possible for him to leave work early so he could go pick up our son from school.  Honestly, I could have done it myself like I do every Monday through Friday.  However, for whatever reason I could hardly keep my eyes open.  I suppose I had "internalized the stress" from my doctor appointments.  I have learned over the years that my body will take over if I don't.  That means I sleep.  My body and mind get together and decide I need to sleep to get me through my "stress" or I will be in no shape to do anyone any good; least of all my family.  When I made the call to my husband I explained I felt it was best that I didn't drive.  I didn't want to take a chance getting behind the wheel of my car to pick up my child from school and putting us and someone else at risk if I didn't trust myself to be fully alert.

I AM BLESSED!  There are many women who do not have the luxury of calling their husband, let alone anyone else, to go and do something for them at a moment's notice.  Regardless of their physical impairment, no matter how big or small, they cannot make that kind of call.  Are we rich?  Monetarily, NO!  We live in an old neighborhood, riddled with crime, in a small house, with our share of debt.  However, WE ARE BLESSED that my husband has a job with a great boss who believes in FAMILY.

However,  OUR BLESSINGS come from the fact that after 2 very long years of my husband having lost a job of over 33 years we put our FAITH IN GOD to take care of us because we didn't have any options other than just that.  And, when you finally realize God is all you have, then God is all you need.  As they say in the south, "proof is in the pudding."  My husband and I, both come from a long line of worriers and I just couldn't worry anymore.  I was tired, and I was angry.  I was tired of being angry.  So I looked at my husband and said, "I cannot worry about this any more because it will surely kill me."

The damage was already done.  All of the stress in my life leading up to that moment had already taken it's toll on my body and I was paying for it BIG TIME.

My prayer:  Dear Father, I cannot bare this another moment.  I'm so mad and angry over the loss of my loyal husband's job of over 33 years.  We have nothing to fall back on.  No degree to get his foot in a door for any kind of job that will pay our bills.  I cannot work due to my health.  And we have a little boy who depends on us.  All I can do is ask you to take these huge worrisome burdens and carry them for me.  I ask for your divine intervention in this moment of our lives to help my husband find a job that will support us and that he will not have to worry any longer.  Lord, he is pounding the pavement, mailing out resumes, and making phone calls day in and day out.  I have never seen anyone work so hard to find a job.  We are fortunate that my brother gave him a part time job paying minimum wage stocking groceries and I thank you for that.  My husband is truly a humble soul.  He is 58 years old and being bullied by a 20 something year old boss who berates him daily because he isn't stocking the shelves fast enough.  I have never seen such humbleness and I am ashamed that I am not that kind of person.  Father, my lesson is learned and I see now the truth behind the humble.  I know that all things are done in your time and not ours.  I pray for guidance, a softer heart, the removal of anger, and to remember that you come first.  I am truly BLESSED to have such a husband who can humble himself to do whatever it takes so that his family is fed.  Forgive me for my harshness and help me to understand that there is a reason for this time in our life.  It is in your will that I pray these things.  Amen.

I prayed that prayer about 2 years ago.  I will never forget it.  Within weeks my husband got a call for a job offer of a nature we never would have expected.  My husband works with computers.  He was in television.  He is now maintaining the simulators our soldiers train on before they go to war.  His first day he was told 2 managers had to fight over him to see which department would have him.  His second day my husband was promoted.  The third day the realization set in that our health insurance was in affect as of day 1.  Every day he wakes up and takes our son to school on his way to work.

Every night we put our son to bed with A PRAYER THANKING GOD FOR OUR MANY BLESSINGS.   

The Great "I AM" - IS!

Fear -

I am not afraid.  I was.  But, not now.

This week I began a Bible Study, a devotional.  I believe that I have LONGED for one and really hadn't realized it.  Over the past few months the internet has been flooded with everything "God" and any and all manner of posts regarding "If you love God..."  LIKE!

I LIKE!  I LIKE!  I LIKE!

Fear -

No - I WILL NOT FEAR!!!  Because God is with me each and every step of the way.  He always has been.  My problem was not remembering it.  I was too focused on LIFE and what was happening, or NOT.  But I was DEVOTED to the here and now in such a way that I literally lived "unglued."  Nothing was what it should be.  What should be IS - THE GREAT I AM!  And, I wasn't devoted to HIM.  I was devoted to me, mine, ours, yours, theirs.  Not HIM.  I left God on the back-burner of my life as I was racing through it and I needed him so desperately.  Oh, I attend Sunday School and Church and Wednesday night Prayer Meeting.  Prayer time before we put our little one to bed each and every night.  But where was my DEVOTION to GOD?

At the beginning of this year I found "Proverbs 31" and signed up for a "365 Word" that I thought would get me really motivated.  My word - TRUST.  I put my word into action.  Well, my kind of action.  The kind that when I read my bible and came across MY WORD it would get highlighted in yellow.  It was a start, right?  A start.  But "Proverbs 31" kept my attention and soon I was seeing talk of bible studies online.  Online is becoming more my style of late.  It works!  I don't have to get dressed (out of my pj's) and drive somewhere to wait for everyone to show up before we could start the class.  That got old real quick.  MORE STRESS!!!

I needed LESS STRESS and BAD!  I'm glad I kept in touch.

I was truly excited about this Bible Study beginning.  I looked forward to it.  That made my heart glad just knowing that I was in that state of mind.

This first week I have followed through.  Something I'm not good at.  (We will see if I'm successful with the Blog Hop thing - hmmmm - I'm really hoping I can do that part.)  But anyway, I went step by step, following all of the instructions as I began the bible study, book in hand, the scriptures to read; loved the idea of "verse mapping!"  I became very detailed in each step.  I was paying attention to what the scriptures were telling me...

"Let go, and let God!"  I found this in "The Search for Serenity" and the 20 seconds of insane courage.  TRUST!  My "a-ha moment" came then.  If I am to TRUST "The Great I Am" then how can I be AFRAID?  As I read the scriptures for this week with the suggestion to read the ones surrounding them I found that they all came together in one big "TRUST" without fear because HE will hold me up and give me victory!  

did i?

yes!  lessons learned.  many, over the years.  differences are expected; received and returned.

my days and nights.  the wee hours.  and the ones filled with the endless homework of a  7 year old.

where are those fleeting moments; the ones that fly so quickly by.  that is where they are.

i do not worry over lost sleep.  or the dishes in the sink.  because my eyes follow the details in a story.

hearing the voice of a little boy; so excited to share his day.  yet sleeping on the way home.

mama can i take a nap before i do my homework - of course he can.  why not - because.

a crowded kitchen table; the papers and pencils, books to be read.  the laptop and many journals.

keeping track of anything.  words thru cyber communication; funny, sad, gut-wrenching, truth.

dates and times - where and when.  a calendar to jot in, another in my cell - connected to life's trip.

it doesn't matter when or how.  just that it is.  stop and listen.  watch the motion in his words.

the constant hugs and brief kisses.  little arms wrapped around me.  coming back for more.  and more.

reading out loud and skipping words.  "ch" in the chorus of his world.  don't forget the silent h.

my time is spent in time.  real time today; everyday.  but the promise is just for today.  it's ok.

will this be enough for us to travel a bumpy road only to come back again.  we begin again.  repeat.

before it starts the week is done.  my day was spent before i was ready.  it doesn't matter why.

i am here and waiting.  listening to the sounds of life.  winding my way around the hours of a day.

clouds are painted on the ceiling.  a sun in the corner and a rainbow on the wall.  he hung the moon.

my pot of gold rides in a car seat.  a daily game of "i'm first!" to buckle in.  and he always wins.

we talk in our sleep.  the cartoons of yesterday playing through the night.  wanderings of a fever?

but the laundry isn't done.  the dog keeps it company.  just another happy being - why not.

it's another moment not being rushed.  life is too short to bother if you know you have a clean shirt.

he still doesn't know how to tie his shoes.  i kind of like it that way.  because daddy cooks supper.

there's an understanding.  always.  somewhere in the middle we will figure it out.  take your time.

i love you monkey butt.  he heard me laughing in my sleep.  look mama - yes, i see.

 

SMA 5K 2013

This is my cousin Caleb.  Please join our family as we rally for a cure!

the art of loving

      photo by Ashley Lebedev

 

i can see beyond the dirt and dust

young and old hold my heart aloft

the balance is ever wavering but not lost

never lost to one who loves

the man, a boy, the tears, unjust

chiseled and honed thru my years

ever looking beyond my might

before and after, in front or behind

the love is old and never ending

blending as the days turn me

adding laughter catching the light

the eyes are young and love the plight

a heart is filled and emptied still

over and over i add the color

remembering the words and the life

another one is ever still

while looking into the sun and moon

just as bright will shine thru me

arms will hold and rearrange

for comes one and then the other

life isn't just one color, one day, one night

from the painter comes the brush

his hair is fair to turn around

my eyes have never left that heart

i see the rays of expecting darkness

the wrong or right doesn't matter

my love will cover the all encompassing

sweeping away whatever must

minds me not as life returns

again and again to remember

the dirt, the dust, whose tears

we know all too well and

still i color my life, my heart

the days and nights are the years

theirs are old and young again

never letting go and no goodbyes

ever present are the looks of others

knowing not how its done

the art of love cannot be undone.

 

i love being ME!

 

loving life.

home is best.

family so close.

friends are the dearest.

understanding is expected.

being true to myself.

creating is a must.

shining a bright light.

slow down because there is no need to rush.

enjoying the smaller moments.

why cry when i can laugh.

share regardless.

we are all beautiful.

hugs and kisses.

holding hands.

painting my world.

with or without words.

the rest doesn't matter.

a boy on the brink

bittersweet.

he was beautiful when he was born.

at 11 he posed with a football as if to throw a great pass.

a hail mary always in a blue jean ball cap.

the first had a little dinosaur pinned on it and tiny red sunglasses.

his first pimple was awesome and right on the bridge of his nose!

standing in an airport he showed me the real kool-aid; red and flowing.

a true people watcher in his early teens.

his laughter is contagious with no inhibitions.

life was faster than he thought.

he is a patriot.

a son, a husband, a father.

so tall and warm.

in a hug, my ear pressed to his chest, i can feel his heart.

an expression of his soul is so apparent.

you don't have to look hard to know him.

i close my eyes and hear him call.

"mama."

forever in his heart.
he calls.

reflections of a little boy

he sits in patient anticipation of what he isn't always sure.

but he hopes as all little boys do.

they don't forget no matter how long it takes.

he will always wait.

maybe he will see his reflection in the window.

making faces while he waits.

the slightest hint of knowing something good will happen.

his tender heart gives way to the hope of never ending.

eyes open wide to surprise and wonder of what life holds.

his strength is more than he knows.

a super hero he dreams of being.

he never wants to be outdone before he comes undone.

holding on tight to what he knows is right.

just a little boy growing up fast and he doesn't know.

as he looks out a window he doesn't know it.



this little boy of mine

in just a few hours he will begin his 2nd year with a few old friends and meet new ones.

i tend to stay up during the night before a big day for him.  he's a restless soul.  he counts the days, the hours, the minutes.  and when he finally sleeps i can count on him to toss and tumble.  waking at least once.  and he does.

"mama?"  and i dash down the hall to his room.  he tells me he can't sleep.  "you've already been sleeping."  i tell him.  and he asks "how many more hours til i go to school?"  so i scootched him over telling him "5 hours."  i lay down beside him as he snuggles back down into his covers curled in next to me.  and in moments he breathes softly as i slip away.

i check his supply list, again.  i grab his backpack and the bags of supplies that he will take with him.  the dog ate one 24ct pack of crayola crayons.  thankfully i had gotten 2 packs.  all is set and ready to go.  and i hear "i'm thirsty."  as i take him some water i can tell today will be along day for him.  thankfully he is able to go back to sleep. 

when he's ready to leave i will take his picture.  as i will every year.  because i know this little boy of mine, he's gonna let it shine.

Life is Good

there is nothing like good friends and places to go.

our home is being remodeled and i'm so thankful that it is even possible!  we have been in this project for several months now and the transformation is awesome :)  inside and out.  the crew (basically family now) love our son and have taken him under their wings and let him get right in there with them.  i can't count the pictures i've taken.

and, speaking of pictures, we have a wonderful friend we love spending time with.  she's awesome!  she's one smart sexy lady who knows her stuff.  she takes great pics of all sorts of people, places and things.  she's a computer whiz when it comes to photos, videos, etc.  she's always going somewhere and seeing everything imaginable.  we have so much fun when she's in town.  above is a pic she took of us together :) 

so we took a breather from all of the dust and cacophony surrounding us and took off for some good food and big laughter.  and did we laugh!  toni is soooo sweet and the best at whatever anybody has a hankering for.  of course, food was on our menus and we dug in.  we have such a bad habit of holding up tables in restaurants.  we take our time.  but we always warn our server ahead of time so she/he can expect us to be there for however long it takes.  and it is always so nice to share in the compliments of those surrounding us.  life is just too short not to enjoy what you have at a moment's notice.  ha!  now that my hair has grown out (some of you may remember when my hair was "maybe" an inch long) i can snatch that stuff up off my face, put a bit of color on my lips and i'm ready to go!  oh, well, i do try to throw on something decent before leaving the house.  so much fun to spruce up a bit with a pretty dress and sandals.

and she's suppose to be here this weekend too!  yyaaaaaaaay!     





little boy lost

april 3rd 1986 he came into this world.  what a good baby boy.  right on schedule; daily.  learning so fast that the years flew by.

april 1996 he was taken from my world.  my world of loneliness; lost unbeknownst to either of us.  i think its safe to say we both fought hard being pulled in different directions.  the deceit to pull him into one of a living lie.  i've missed him ever since.  maybe one day he will realize i was true to myself so that i could remain who he might remember if that day ever comes.

a beautiful blond swept him into manhood and they were so beautiful together.  i hardly knew her; but, knowing him i knew her beauty had to be more than skin deep.  in grief they lost their first little girls, twins.  i'll never forget the phone call "mama i need you.  i'm losing them."  and they were gone before i could hold them.  a second chance brought them another.  so beautiful like her mother.  and i can only guess by now she would have that look he has about him. at least i've held her once.  so frightened i was as the others watched.

i know no particular dates when things began to change for them.  the bloom was off the rose.  i hate that one can believe the grass is always greener.  without her knowing i will always understand her as she grows; all the unanswered questions.  why?  i can only hope they are honest.

my mind has tamed the heart broken years; wondering what the ones before us will bring.  it seems everyone is always looking for someone.  how long it will be before mistakes are realized.  counting the marriages like counting between the thunder.  love rages the soul.

he is his father's son.  i wonder who is the proudest...

time passes

so many things to think about.

i have a beautiful friend living in tampa, fl.  i have loved her for so many years it seems almost incredible.  when i think of her i see her laughter.  its one of the best laughs i have ever heard and i will always treasure it.  she is so brave and strong.  if i could only hug her i would probably never let go. 


there is a man i love so dearly.  i have loved him more than he realizes.  maybe some day he will know.  he is beautiful, funny, kind, courageous, and so full of life.  to hear his voice again would be a blessing.  for him to believe i love him would be a miracle.

there is truly a beautiful woman that i know.  well, i know her just a little bit.  i pray that one day she will realize i love her.  so much has already happened in her young life.  but all these miles between us doesn't stop me from being proud of her.  and maybe some day she will share her daughter with me.

there is a girl i once knew so well.  last i knew she lived in ellijay.  her little boy is all grown up by now.  i wish i had her number so we could catch up.  i suppose that would be a very long conversation.  we spent our "wild days" together.  funny memories we could share.

i spent the day with a sweet friend.  i do believe and dare say she is the only person i know that never says an unkind word about anybody.  she makes an overwhelming chore become  but just a moment in time.  before i knew it she had to go.  i can hardly wait to see her again.  she is such a rare jewel.  i always make sure that when she leaves my house she has a new "pocketbook."

a neighbor died the other day.  we saw it coming.  i called him "baby chick" because his graying hair still blond always seemed to be a wisp that i just had to touch.  before i would leave from each visit i would pat him on the head with a kiss. " i love you baby chick" as he would grab for my hand. and in my ear i hear him say "i'm scared."  i told him "we all are."  now his wife in all her wisdom is alone.  i never seem to have a girlfriend my age.  she is in her 70s.  through all of our tears we always find laughter.  good bye baby chick.

there's this man i know.  and he knows me.  he saved my life and i am forever grateful.  we have known each other for many years now.  as time passes i see him less and less.  i often wonder what i will do when he leaves this earth.  i don't like thinking about it.  one day he told me "you are the bravest woman i have ever met."  the look on his face with those precious words will always be etched in my heart.  he gave me courage and i can never repay him.

i've been invited to a baby shower.  my little friend is having her third baby; another boy.  we actually had our babies in the same year.  i was 45 and she is still in her 20s.  like i said - i never seem to have a friend my age.  but these days we rarely see each other.  regardless, our friendship is wonderful.  from the moment we met we both knew we would be friends for life.  we still have "moms day out" leaving our boys with their daddies.  our favorite hangout is ihop, a stack of pancakes, and coffee.  her husband hates me - lol!  we have a mutual understanding about each other so, no worries.  "pass and re-pass" as my grandma used to say.

these people that i know, that i miss, and i love, are woven into my life.  the memories are threaded through my heart.  the tears and laughter are the perfect watercolor that begins on a blank page.  one never knows how it will turn out.  but it is created by the artist in all of us.  we have a purpose for that chance meeting.  whether we continue the journey together or a choice is made to take another path.  in the grand scheme of things we do not dictate, as some would want to do, who is right or wrong.  it is only begun by a simple need to be loved.

it seems such a long time since i've been here last.  time truly passes quickly.  i have so much to share with so many.  i wish they knew that i love them and i pray for them.  i hope that each passing day brings joy and laughter.

photo by a.s.

a different season

actually, all in all, its been a different kind of year.  and now we are about to walk, hand in hand, into a new one.  its christmas eve and our little one is just as wide eyed as can be.  lol!  but that's ok.  i don't mind.  he is always so excited to put on his christmas jammies; we all are:)

as is every christmas eve the tv runs "a christmas story" for a full 24 hours.  i love it.  traditions.  i breathe a sigh knowing we are safe and sound and waiting for the big day; christmas.  the weather is not the same.  i've misplaced a precious stocking.  friends have given great suggestions for a stand-in.  each one made me smile.  it took the angst out of my heart.  so what if a stocking goes missing?

all of my family's favorite recipes from our house are finished in record time.  i look up thanking God for such a relief of not having to stay up all night long.  while daddy plays santa mama will be finishing a huge project for some very special people in our lives.  i suppose we have begun to hold on to each other tighter as each day goes by.  time seems too fast now.

i have so much to be thankful for.  prayer has become a conversation.  worries fall to the wayside.  family, books, paint, journaling.  making life more simple comes easy.  nothing has to be perfect.  i wish for very little these days.  my dreams have become reality.  i have friends that span the globe enriching my life even more.  i've learned so much in this year.  i have reached farther than i ever thought i would.

merry christmas.  

finally....

after all the writing, re-writes, and proof reading, its just a matter of time.  i'm so glad its done.  publishing is just like anything else...

hurry up and wait ;)

this is my family!

there is a story people...

collecting little mementos to prove her theory that this is a vale of tears & my advice is you damn well better stay out of her way

turning the leaf...

in so many words that is what i am doing.  i've pondered for so long.  i'm 50 with the most scrumptious 6 year old little boy who can maneuver thru a computer like there is no tomorrow and the best (and cutest) husband known to woman.  that being said, i've pondered long enough.

i've always been a crafter, a reader, a movie buff, lover of most furry four legged animals, and happiest at home.  a few years ago i learned the art of scrapbooking and have loved it.  my husband no longer receives cards for special occasions.  he now receives scrap pages and adores them.  however, my beloved scrapbook shoppe closed due to this horrid economy in which we live and i have had time to "ponder."  (i wonder how many more times i will say "ponder" in this post... hmmmm.)  anyway, i have found a new direction.  still in keeping with my love of scrapbooking i have found "mixed-media" and find it fascinating.  so many possibilities.  at this juncture let me say the gang from the scrapbook shoppe still exists and has found a place to come together and scrap.  there was no keeping us down nor giving up.  and, we've become closer, enjoying each other more and sharing our lives; looking forward to each new crop.  and we are talking 16 to 18 hour saturdays.  sounds like too much, right?  wrong!  we start with breakfast; the coffee, the donuts, then lunch out at a local fun restaurant, only to return to our scrapping that we have brought along with homemade yummies to get us thru the night.  it is all very much worth it.

so, as you may have noticed my bit of art on this blog.  i like it.  do you?  well, maybe.  however, its a start.  if you look close enough you will be surprised at what you will find within each piece.  and, maybe, realize where the name of each piece has come from.  either way, i'm liking it.  but, i have more.  i won't stop here.  meaning just this type of media/art.  this is what i have played with for some time; lets say 4 years.  yes i said 4 years.  it was on and off and something i wanted to "ponder."  i had to become brave enough to post it.

i've also begun journaling.  anything and everything.  i have bits and pieces of things to remember and write it all down.  i've gathered things to begin a new phase of journaling.  i will paint it.  i may draw it.  not just write it.  i will add to and take away.  this new journaling will be hand-held and loved.  a legacy should anyone happen upon it after i am gone; which i hope i won't be gone anytime too soon, of course, but you get my meaning.  i will continue my blogging with or without art.  it will depend upon the moment.  if i have a piece i want to share, i will.  if i have something to say, you will read it.  well, i hope you will read it.

but, along with my scrapping, art blogging, artful journaling, i have added something more.  i love to read.  and the genre is varied.  much like the weather; i don't care where you live, its gonna change.  so, i will read more now than i ever have.  i have ventured into reviewing books and am truly excited about this.  how many times have you picked up a book at your local bookstore or library turning to the back cover to read the reviews?  i do it every time and never have i given it a second thought as to who these people are that write these reviews.  however, it is what leads us to our decision of whether we do or don't read the book.  and now i know who these people are.

i am turning the leaf.